Patterson/2005
This is a sample of a portion of a student memoir that I copy edited – this is my first run through (to view the original document in MS-Word format, click here; to view in PDF format, click here).
Early one morning in
January 1967, I was taking a bath at the public bath,
where
Iwhen
I was astonished to see a lot of hair from my head and eyebrows
fall into the basin. It was not long before I restored calmness.[KP1]
I walked along the street with a bitter smile,
astonished that
looking
back
my appearance
astonished
had disturbed me even
for
a moment.
My radiotherapist told
me that
I would
receivemy
radiation treatment
was added one
more time a week. She explained that,
usually
many,
many leucocytes were destroyed by
receiving
radiation treatment,
but my case was different.[KP2],
fast regeneration or strong enough against radiation.
At that time, I was
absorbed in my work to map out a plan
forof
writing about actual conditions in ______ urban families. One morning a friend
of mine, Mr. ________, the chief editor of a monthly magazine "_______," visited
my sickbed. He was very interested in the data I had on my desk, " Urban
Ffamily:
Families
Eexist
but not
Hhomes,
" and commissioned me to submit a manuscript for
histheir
magazine. I agreed.
In those days, a
friend, a poet, visited me and helped me in many ways. He accompanied me to the
barbershop, coffee shop, and other places
about for
aabout
a month. I could not go out alone. My appearance was so
horrible. Imagine,
my miserable face, my head hairless in the back and part of an eyebrow gone,
hollowmy
hollow cheeks with skin burned by radiotherapy. I greatly
appreciated Mr. and Mrs. ________'s pure kindness. I bless them. I miss them.
(I could not
found
anyfind
any
of the
more familiar
faces
that I
seenhad
seen a week ago in the line of head and neck patients.)[KP3]
I lost
my
weight noticeably
in the nextfor
a last few days. My weight
droppedwas
downed from 60
kilogram to 45
kilograms
for last[KP4]
one month. I lost the sense of taste and smell. I felt
astringent (rough)
a taste
[like
that
of a
a taste of persimmon]
from almost every kind of food.,
especially
Ssalty
and hot
foods especiallyones
gave
made me
unbearable pain in my mouth.
InAt
those days, a professor, my wife's respected[KP5],
an editorial writer at ________, invited us to a _______ restaurant.
HWhen
he wanted to treat us to _______ and we agreed. I ate some without
anymaking
any facial expression,
but
but,
in reality,really
I suffered a pain like biting my tongue.
The dDoctor
toldsaid
to me that my gustatory nerves (buds)[KP6]
had beenwere
paralyzed
(numbed) by
radiation shocks. My nasal mucous membrane
werewas
also destroyed and
my olfactory nerves were
also benumbed.
(Even today,
my nasal and throat mucous membranes, destroyed by cobalt radiation, have never
revived.)And
up to the present, the mucous membranes of nasal and throat destroyed by cobalt
radiation could not be
revived.
[KP7]"You have to take
food, even though
A spoon of food with a bottle of
digestive" he emphasized eating regular food. My wife
tried various foodsmade
various efforts
to make me eat. Though I was
already to
accept my death,
Iit
was really ashamed
thatof
myself
that I could not
endure
pains of my
tonguepainful
tongue. I was mentally exhausted.
[KP8]My wife
identifiedrecognized
that I could eat honey and she prepared it. It
ate it;,
no, rather,
at every mealtime
I,
I was
made (forced)
to eat a cup of native honey
every mealtime
by my wife.
[KP1]I would rewrite this sentence so that its meaning is clearer. Perhaps begin with 'nevertheless,' so that the contrast with the previous sentence is sharper.
[KP2]I would rewrite this – perhaps beginning with "My cells either…
[KP3]Do you want to develop this thought into a paragraph? It seems that it could be a good transition between the paragraph above and the paragraph following
[KP4]Do you mean "in one month?"
[KP5]Do you mean: "whom my wife respected?"
[KP6]Do you mean the taste buds on your tongue?
[KP7]This is another good place for a transition word – perhaps "however" I am not sure that you should use a direct quotation here, although it is more effective than indirect language. Let's talk about this sentence.
[KP8]Another spot for a transition word or phrase perhaps "Fortunately,"