Patterson/2005

 

This is a sample of a portion of a student memoir that I copy edited – this is my first run through (to view the original document in MS-Word format, click here; to view in PDF format, click here).

 

 

            Early one morning in January 1967, I was taking a bath at the public bath, where Iwhen I was astonished to see a lot of hair from my head and eyebrows fall into the basin.  It was not long before I restored calmness.[KP1]   I walked along the street with a bitter smile, astonished that looking back my appearance astonished had disturbed me even for a moment.

            My radiotherapist told me that I would receivemy radiation treatment was added one more time a week.  She explained that, usually many, many leucocytes were destroyed by receiving radiation treatment, but my case was different.[KP2] , fast regeneration or strong enough against radiation.

            At that time, I was absorbed in my work to map out a plan forof writing about actual conditions in ______ urban families.  One morning a friend of mine, Mr. ________, the chief editor of a monthly magazine "_______," visited my sickbed.  He was very interested in the data I had on my desk, " Urban Ffamily:  Families Eexist but not Hhomes,  " and commissioned me to submit a manuscript for histheir magazine.  I agreed.

            In those days, a friend, a poet, visited me and helped me in many ways.  He accompanied me to the barbershop, coffee shop, and other places about for aabout a month.  I could not go out alone.  My appearance was so horrible.  Imagine, my miserable face, my head hairless in the back and part of an eyebrow gone, hollowmy hollow cheeks with skin burned by radiotherapy.  I greatly appreciated Mr. and Mrs. ________'s pure kindness.  I bless them.  I miss them.

            (I could not found anyfind any of the more familiar faces that I seenhad seen a week ago in the line of head and neck patients.)[KP3] 

            I lost my weight noticeably in the nextfor a last few days.  My weight droppedwas downed from 60 kilogram to 45 kilograms for last[KP4]  one month.  I lost the sense of taste and smell.  I felt astringent (rough) a taste [like that of a a taste of persimmon] from almost every kind of food., especially Ssalty and hot foods especiallyones gave made me unbearable pain in my mouth.  InAt those days, a professor, my wife's respected[KP5] , an editorial writer at ________, invited us to a _______ restaurant.  HWhen he wanted to treat us to _______ and we agreed.  I ate some without anymaking any facial expression, but but, in reality,really I suffered a pain like biting my tongue.

            The dDoctor toldsaid to me that my gustatory nerves (buds)[KP6]  had beenwere paralyzed (numbed) by radiation shocks.  My nasal mucous membrane werewas also destroyed and my olfactory nerves were also benumbed.  (Even today, my nasal and throat mucous membranes, destroyed by cobalt radiation, have never  revived.)And up to the present, the mucous membranes of nasal and throat destroyed by cobalt radiation could not be revived.  [KP7] "You have to take food, even though

A spoon of food with a bottle of digestive" he emphasized eating regular food.  My wife tried various foodsmade various efforts to make me eat.  Though I was already to accept my death, Iit was really ashamed thatof myself that I could not endure pains of my tonguepainful tongue.  I was mentally exhausted.  [KP8] My wife identifiedrecognized that I could eat honey and she prepared it.  It ate it;, no, rather, at every mealtime I, I was made (forced) to eat a cup of native honey every mealtime by my wife.


 [KP1]I would rewrite this sentence so that its meaning is clearer.  Perhaps begin with  'nevertheless,' so that the contrast with the previous sentence is sharper.

 [KP2]I would rewrite this – perhaps beginning with "My cells either…

 [KP3]Do you want to develop this thought into a paragraph?  It seems that it could be a good transition between the paragraph above and the paragraph following

 [KP4]Do you mean "in one month?"

 [KP5]Do you mean:  "whom my wife respected?" 

 [KP6]Do you mean the taste buds on your tongue?

 [KP7]This is another good place for a transition word – perhaps "however" I am not sure that you should use a direct quotation here, although it is more effective than indirect language.  Let's talk about this sentence.

 [KP8]Another spot for a transition word or phrase perhaps "Fortunately,"

 

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